What matters most for children in their family relationships?

Navigating the vast number of opinions about what matters most for children’s healthy development can be a daunting and seemingly endless task. From politicians to journalists to self-styled ‘parenting experts’, everyone has an opinion on what children need in their family relationships and how parents should provide this. These opinions can range from the relatively mundane aspects of everyday parenting, for example, how parents can encourage children to brush their teeth, to larger socio-political and legal questions, such as who is allowed to use fertility treatment to create their families, who is recognised as a parent, and what this means for children.

Too rarely does evidence manage to break through the heat and noise of these debates, yet developmental psychologists have spent decades addressing the questions of how family relationships shape child development and what really matters for children. We draw on classic and cutting-edge research on family relationships to highlight three factors that psychologists have consistently found to shape children’s development across different relationships, transitions, and cultures, which can enable children to thrive within their families.

1. Relationship quality is more important than family structure

Empirical evidence has consistently shown that the quality of relationships between family members matters far more for children’s healthy development than who lives together and how they are related. Research into the aspects of parent-child relationships that predict outcomes for children has shown that responding in a sensitive (i.e., timely and appropriate) way to a child, consistent provision of support and boundaries, and open communication facilitate positive mental health and social development in children. Similarly, positive, co-operative relationships between parents and siblings also support healthy child development.

Furthermore, studies that have looked at different family structures, whether that be the number, gender, sexual orientation, or gender identity of parents in a family, the way in which families were created, or whether family members share a genetic connection, have provided robust support in this area. What a family looks like matters far less for how children develop within that family than how family members treat each other.

This is not to say that family relationships, whether between parents and children or between siblings, must always be calm and non-conflictual. The presence of appropriate levels of conflict within family relationships, when handled well (i.e., respectfully and flexibly), can actually be beneficial to children and adolescents in helping them learn and practice different communication skills.

2. Connection promotes autonomy

Until recently, it was not uncommon, particularly in Western countries, for parents to be told that the developmental task of childhood and adolescence was to achieve separation from parents. Research has consistently shown, however, that parents can best support children to develop autonomy in age-appropriate ways by maintaining a connection with them. This is the case whether we are looking at research on how parents can encourage their toddlers to explore a new environment, help their children manage the transition to starting school, or support their teens to navigate increasing independence and changing peer relationships. The presence of a consistent, supportive parent-child relationship facilitates rather than hampers the development of autonomy.

3. Supportive policies and communities matter

Finally, research from across different areas of developmental psychology shows us powerfully and consistently that families don’t exist in isolation and that the structures around them matter for children’s (and parents’) wellbeing. This is the case whether we are talking about parents’ access to social support (i.e., the presence or absence of family and friends), the provision or absence of statutory support, for example, in the case of families raising children with disabilities or special educational needs, or the legislative frameworks around families.

We know, for example, that policies around parental leave influence, and in some cases constrain, parents’ decisions about parenting and childcare during infancy, and that satisfaction with these arrangements is related to parents’ relationship quality and mental health, both of which affect children’s development. And discriminatory rhetoric and laws, for example, anti-LGBTQ+ legislation or legislation that negatively targets minoritized ethnic groups, can make children and families feel less safe by legitimising abuse towards the family and adding further burdens on family members to advocate for or defend their family. It should come as no surprise, then, that children and families do better with supportive communities and structures around them.

No two families or two relationships within a family are the same, but there are consistent factors within relationships that can support children’s healthy development. The extent to which families are able to provide these will differ depending on their knowledge, their previous experiences, the resources available to them, the challenges they face, where they live, and the extent to which the structures around them are supportive or obstructive of family life. Children and their families should be supported to thrive in all their diversity, and focusing on what the evidence tells us really matters for children is, surely, the best place to start.

Featured image by Juliane Liebermann via Unsplash.