The Jerk Store called…and called and called

Seinfeld famously added a ton of terms to English, such as low talker, high talker, spongeworthy, and unshushables. It also made obscure terms into household words. Shrinkage and yada yada existed before Seinfeld, but it’s doubtful you learned them anywhere else.

Another successful Seinfeld term has gone under the radar: Jerk Store. The term was coined in “The Comeback,” when George is unselfconsciously stuffing his face with shrimp during a meeting. A co-worker sees George’s gluttony and says, “Hey, George, the ocean called. They’re running out of shrimp.” George is speechless, but later he crafts a comeback: “Oh yeah? Well, the Jerk Store called, and they’re running out of you.” The episode shows George going to absurd lengths to find a way to use his comeback, as well as his friends’ unwanted workshopping of the joke.

In a way, that workshopping has never ended—at least on Twitter, which is likely the largest collection of jokes, good and bad, by professionals and amateurs, ever created. Many of those jokes involve formulas, and the Jerk Store has become a popular one. On Twitter, every day is the Summer of George.

Most variations start with “The Jerk Store called,” which is as trusty a joke starter as “Relationship status:” and “When life hands you lemons.” From there, the joke can go just about anywhere. Comic Warren Holstein makes a food joke out of the formula: “The Jerk Store called but I couldn’t understand their thick Jamaican accents.” Matt Koff reveals what would likely happen to a real-life Jerk Store: “The Jerk Store called. It’s closing because it couldn’t compete with Amazon. :(“ Some use the formula to comment on politics: “The Jerk Store called; they’re no longer hiring because of fear of Obamacare mandates.” I particularly like this joke, which finds the funny in sadness: “The jerk store called. We didn’t chat for long but it was good to hear their voice. It was good to hear anyone’s voice. I’m so alone.”

Other tweeters abandon the formula when making Jerk Store jokes, like Laura Palmer: “I’m applying at the Jerk Store and I need references.” This holiday tweet sounds like perfect storm of jerkdom: “Looking forward to the Black Friday deals at the Jerk Store.” Food trends also get spoofed: “when will the jerk store start getting organic jerks. tired of getting these jerks full of gmos.” Here’s a particularly clever joke, playing on an annoying Frankenstein-related correction: “Actually, the jerk store’s monster called.”

This term/joke formula isn’t going anywhere for at least a few reasons. Seinfeld is still omnipresent in reruns, and I reckon the entire series is imprinted on the collective unconscious. Plus, the world is full of jerks. The following are some recent epistles from the Jerk Store to help you get through the polar jerk-tex. Jerk Store might never make the OED, but it’s one of the most successful joke franchises in the world.

The jerk store called, you left your credit card at the register. They are open until 8 if you want to pick it up today.

— Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) November 17, 2014

The Jerk Store called. They miss you. They love you. They just want you to come home.

— ben (@benicus_rex) November 13, 2014

The jerk store called. I didn't answer because I think it's unethical for jerks to be commodified & under a socialist system they'd be free

— thxgvng internet dad (@Fauxgyptian) September 15, 2014

O my sod, I am sorry for my sins w/ all my heart. In choosing to look out & failing to look within, I have ∞ voicemails from the jerk store

— lanyard (@lanyardigan) September 12, 2014

the jerk store called & they said that making television references from the 90s won’t stop the decay of all things. kind of a weird message

— dire dire deer (@m_kopas) November 17, 2014

I'm looking for a girl who's George at the Jerk Store and Elaine on the dance floor.

— Scott Dooley (@scottdools) August 23, 2014

The jerk store called. The v-necks are on backorder Chad.

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) June 8, 2014

The Jerk Store called, they're out of 30th anniversary DVDs with Steve Martin commentary

— Mattheim Sussroller (@suss2hyphens) May 18, 2014

The Jerk Store called…. again… [sigh]… dude, just give them back their shopping cart

— lemons (@respected_loner) June 28, 2014

Hey, the Jerk Store called, but there is a new Jerk Outlet out by the highway and they have much better prices let's go on Saturday.

— Trademarked Name™ (@rj_white) June 17, 2014

Who would even OPEN a jerk store?!

— |\/|∆®|{•├┤Ø%û5 (@markhoppus) October 31, 2014

Headline image credit: Seinfeld logo. Public domain via Wikimedia Commons.