Denim venom: future products in the style of jweats
By Mark Peters
Word blends are the bunnies of language: they breed like motherfathers.
During the recent American Dialect Society meeting in Portland, plenty of blends were singled out. Assholocracy is an apt description of America, especially in an election year. Botoxionist refers to a doctor specializing in the forehead region of vain people. A brony is a bro who loves My Little Pony. That word was voted Least Likely to Succeed, but you can bet similar words will keep sprouting, particularly in the world of fashion.As fashionistas have lamented, jorts, jeggings, and junderwear—jean shorts, jean leggings, and jean underwear—have assaulted eyeballs and sensibilities for years. Last year, jweats (jean sweats) and even jor-jeggings (an unholy jorts-jeggings hybrid) joined the party. Forget the Mayan doomsday; it’s clear as a crystal skull that we’re living in an ongoing denim-pocalypse.
These atrocities aren’t going to stop. I predict the following items will be on sale soon.
(FYI, if any of these are plausible ideas, please call my agent, because I’d gladly sell my soul to the denim industry).
They’re not warm, but fashionistas are warmed by style, not warmth. For the elderly, how about jearing aids?
Could be a little itchy for you Mr. Peanut types, but it can’t be worse than peanut allergies. So that evens out.
Maybe Christopher Nolan can work this in to the new Batman movie.
It doesn’t block bullets, which could be a problem given the recent rise in fashion police brutality.
These will be less fattening than cinnamon rolls because they are inedible.
If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a team of fashion scientists on the moon to change its chemical composition.
Some say nipples can’t be improved. They’re probably right, but it’s worth a shot.
The designer dog world, which pumps out teacup malti-poos, toy pitdoodles, and more word blends than a denim-only catalog, could easily mix some denim DNA into one of their hellish kennels of canine copulation.
Jeans and meth are both blue, so this seems like a natural idea that could be the plot of a future Smurfs movie.
A beautiful, intelligent, precious denim baby. It will look so good with the rest of your jamily.