Humorous Quotations

I’m having a rough day so I thought it might help my mood to browse through the Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations edited by Ned Sherrin.  Below are some quotes the restored the smile to my face.

Mistakes and Misfortunes

“My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents…is to stay in bed all day.  Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out.” – Robert Benchley 1889-1945: Chips off the old Benchley (1949) ‘Safety Second’

on premature calls of a win in Florida in the presidential election of 20oo:
“We don’t just have egg on our face.  We have omelette all over our suits.” – Tom Brokaw 1940-: in Atlanta Constitution-Journal 9 November 2000.

“I was mistaken for a prostitute once in the last war.  When a GI asked me what I charged, I said, “Well, dear, what do your mothers and sisters normally ask for?” – Thora Hird 1911-2003: in Independent 27 February 1999

“If we had had more time for discussion we should probably have made a great many more mistakes.” – Leon Trotsky 1878-1940: My Life (1930).

Technology

“No man can hear his telephone ring without wishing heartily that Alexander Graham Bell had been run over by an ice wagon at the age o four.” – H. L. Mehken 1880-1956: Marion Elizabeth Rodgers Mencken: The American Iconoclast (2005)

“Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories – those that don’t work,those that break down, and those that get lost.” – Russel Baker 1925- : In New York Times 18 June 1968.

“The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.” – Paul Ralph Ehrlich 1932- : in Saturday Review 5 June 1971.

“The thing with high-tech is that you always end up using scissors.” – David Hockney 1937- : in Observer 10 July 1994 ‘Sayings of the Week’