Comments on: When A Loved One Hoards http://blog.oup.com/2007/01/when_a_loved_on/ Introducing brilliant authors to the blogosphere. Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:43:07 -0600 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: JW http://blog.oup.com/2007/01/when_a_loved_on/comment-page-1/#comment-153483 JW Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:20:50 +0000 http://216.110.190.15/2007/01/when_a_loved_one_hoards/#comment-153483 Its always the same. Treat people who ''hoard'' with respect and they are sick. No, they are children who were pandered to. I say just leave them in their mess and find someone reasonable and sanitary. Its always the same. Treat people who ”hoard” with respect and they are sick. No, they are children who were pandered to. I say just leave them in their mess and find someone reasonable and sanitary.

]]> By: Debra Schrock http://blog.oup.com/2007/01/when_a_loved_on/comment-page-1/#comment-152610 Debra Schrock Fri, 10 Jul 2009 07:01:59 +0000 http://216.110.190.15/2007/01/when_a_loved_one_hoards/#comment-152610 I know what Erinna is going through. My husband's sister in law has always lived off of her mother and has a severe hoarding problem. She is an adult child and has always manipulated her mother. Now that our dear mother is gone, she thinks that everything belongs to her, even though the will indicates that everything is 50/50. What a laugh, she has not way to maintain the family home and she is verbally abusive to the family members who have tried to help. It is true, you cannot change these people. They need help, but it seems that family members are not able to help these very sick people. I have to stay away from this toxic person. If she continues to stay in the house, it will only decrease in value and the inheritance that my husband has been left will vanish also. These situations are incredibly sick and sad. May God help all of us who have this in our families. I know what Erinna is going through. My husband’s sister in law has always lived off of her mother and has a severe hoarding problem. She is an adult child and has always manipulated her mother. Now that our dear mother is gone, she thinks that everything belongs to her, even though the will indicates that everything is 50/50. What a laugh, she has not way to maintain the family home and she is verbally abusive to the family members who have tried to help. It is true, you cannot change these people. They need help, but it seems that family members are not able to help these very sick people. I have to stay away from this toxic person. If she continues to stay in the house, it will only decrease in value and the inheritance that my husband has been left will vanish also. These situations are incredibly sick and sad. May God help all of us who have this in our families.

]]> By: Erinna http://blog.oup.com/2007/01/when_a_loved_on/comment-page-1/#comment-150514 Erinna Mon, 11 May 2009 15:56:30 +0000 http://216.110.190.15/2007/01/when_a_loved_one_hoards/#comment-150514 Living with someone who hoards is very frustrating and really breaks your nerves. Getting to admit they have a problem is a real feat and when you do approach them they can get very aggressive and resentful. It is a lot more difficult to help these people because they resist and feel there is nothing wrong with them. Their response is very similiar to a drug addict who does not want to admit they have a problem. I am currently living with my in laws as we hope to purchase a house and are saving. Their son hoards and he is still living at home at the age of 38, aside from the hoarding I think he has a terrible attitude problem and thinks his parents will look after him forever. He does not seem to have matured at all emotionally as an adult. What makes it worse we end up doing a lot of the things in the house like any upkeep and cleaning and we have no voice as his mother continues to protect him. This makes it even more frustrating as even though we are the ones who do everything to try and make the home comfortable for the elderly parents, the brother seems to have no concern at all about the effect he has with his hoarding and unreliability, yet his mother gives credit to him which that is undue.I believe she reinforces his behaviour yet, she complains to us about him constantly, this makes it even more and more frustrating to us. The father has had enough but the mother just as she does with us, won't let him act on it. I really can’t wait to move out of this mad house! But even then and after we move out, I can see the distant future and know that we are destined to see 2 older people living in their sons squalor. The brother in Law will live off his parents till they die, most likely if the mother survives the father, brother in law will fill the house with his hoarding and only paths will be left to move around, mother in law will complain to us, but give us no power to do anything. Eventually when she dies which could be because a heap of rubbish has fallen onto her, brother in law will inherit the whole house, as mother in law will think this is the only way left to protect him. Brother in law will be known as the weirdo in the street (if he is not already seen as that) and will rot in his own squalor. Who know’s maybe by then he would have progressed and started to even collect his own shit and urine. Sorry, but I am finding it very hard to have any sympathy or tolerance for these people and I am sure any family member faced with a member of their family doing the same feels as frustrated as I do. The hardest thing is knowing and trying to understand that they seem to not recognise not only it is a problem for themselves , but the effect it has on everyone else in the family. They seem to just NOT CARE at ALL!!! Living with someone who hoards is very frustrating and really breaks your nerves. Getting to admit they have a problem is a real feat and when you do approach them they can get very aggressive and resentful. It is a lot more difficult to help these people because they resist and feel there is nothing wrong with them. Their response is very similiar to a drug addict who does not want to admit they have a problem.

I am currently living with my in laws as we hope to purchase a house and are saving. Their son hoards and he is still living at home at the age of 38, aside from the hoarding I think he has a terrible attitude problem and thinks his parents will look after him forever. He does not seem to have matured at all emotionally as an adult. What makes it worse we end up doing a lot of the things in the house like any upkeep and cleaning and we have no voice as his mother continues to protect him. This makes it even more frustrating as even though we are the ones who do everything to try and make the home comfortable for the elderly parents, the brother seems to have no concern at all about the effect he has with his hoarding and unreliability, yet his mother gives credit to him which that is undue.I believe she reinforces his behaviour yet, she complains to us about him constantly, this makes it even more and more frustrating to us. The father has had enough but the mother just as she does with us, won’t let him act on it. I really can’t wait to move out of this mad house!

But even then and after we move out, I can see the distant future and know that we are destined to see 2 older people living in their sons squalor. The brother in Law will live off his parents till they die, most likely if the mother survives the father, brother in law will fill the house with his hoarding and only paths will be left to move around, mother in law will complain to us, but give us no power to do anything. Eventually when she dies which could be because a heap of rubbish has fallen onto her, brother in law will inherit the whole house, as mother in law will think this is the only way left to protect him. Brother in law will be known as the weirdo in the street (if he is not already seen as that) and will rot in his own squalor. Who know’s maybe by then he would have progressed and started to even collect his own shit and urine.

Sorry, but I am finding it very hard to have any sympathy or tolerance for these people and I am sure any family member faced with a member of their family doing the same feels as frustrated as I do. The hardest thing is knowing and trying to understand that they seem to not recognise not only it is a problem for themselves , but the effect it has on everyone else in the family. They seem to just NOT CARE at ALL!!!

]]> By: theresa gobin http://blog.oup.com/2007/01/when_a_loved_on/comment-page-1/#comment-150279 theresa gobin Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:02:26 +0000 http://216.110.190.15/2007/01/when_a_loved_one_hoards/#comment-150279 i am a hoarder clutter person and i am so emabrrsed with myself that it got so bad no one wanted to come to my house and my friends worried about me .now i have a bopiyfriend living with me trying to do the best he can to deal with what i am now trying to clean up but its hard.i am doing it but i feel it may not be enought .maybe i relize some more what is really needed and what isnt ?i need help and support in this but i dont drive and i live in the country.far from things. i am a hoarder clutter person and i am so emabrrsed with myself that it got so bad no one wanted to come to my house and my friends worried about me .now i have a bopiyfriend living with me trying to do the best he can to deal with what i am now trying to clean up but its hard.i am doing it but i feel it may not be enought .maybe i relize some more what is really needed and what isnt ?i need help and support in this but i dont drive and i live in the country.far from things.

]]> By: Amanda http://blog.oup.com/2007/01/when_a_loved_on/comment-page-1/#comment-150042 Amanda Wed, 08 Apr 2009 04:34:50 +0000 http://216.110.190.15/2007/01/when_a_loved_one_hoards/#comment-150042 Reading this, I understand on a cognitive level that this is what the hoarder needs, because they won't even warm up to the idea of treatment without being shown compassion. But what about the needs of the rest of us? As the adult child of a hoarder, with a father who continues to live in the chaos created by my hoarding mother (he's afraid that she can't take care of herself), it just feels so hopeless. There are two guest bedrooms at their house--I live out of town, but I cannot sleep at their house when I visit. My children will never be able to spend the weekend at grandma's house, or even the afternoon, because she is a f***ing mess. She's so sick--I've lived with her bipolar disorder and this hoarding most of my life--and I'm tired of her being so needy and yet unwilling to accept help for her problems. Our family has tried empathy, compassion, respect, etc. (which basically amount to denial). Why should We have to continue to suffer for her problems? She needs to hit her bottom--maybe by getting kicked out on her a**? Otherwise it's like the only way anything is ever going to change is when she dies. Sometimes I just tell myself, "well I'll be able to clean her house after she's dead." I don't know what to do for my father. There are no hoarding support therapists or support groups where they live. I just feel so desperate and hopeless. Reading this, I understand on a cognitive level that this is what the hoarder needs, because they won’t even warm up to the idea of treatment without being shown compassion. But what about the needs of the rest of us? As the adult child of a hoarder, with a father who continues to live in the chaos created by my hoarding mother (he’s afraid that she can’t take care of herself), it just feels so hopeless.

There are two guest bedrooms at their house–I live out of town, but I cannot sleep at their house when I visit. My children will never be able to spend the weekend at grandma’s house, or even the afternoon, because she is a f***ing mess. She’s so sick–I’ve lived with her bipolar disorder and this hoarding most of my life–and I’m tired of her being so needy and yet unwilling to accept help for her problems. Our family has tried empathy, compassion, respect, etc. (which basically amount to denial). Why should We have to continue to suffer for her problems? She needs to hit her bottom–maybe by getting kicked out on her a**? Otherwise it’s like the only way anything is ever going to change is when she dies. Sometimes I just tell myself, “well I’ll be able to clean her house after she’s dead.” I don’t know what to do for my father. There are no hoarding support therapists or support groups where they live. I just feel so desperate and hopeless.

]]> By: Gladys http://blog.oup.com/2007/01/when_a_loved_on/comment-page-1/#comment-142319 Gladys Tue, 25 Mar 2008 23:08:59 +0000 http://216.110.190.15/2007/01/when_a_loved_one_hoards/#comment-142319 When you are the spouse of a hoarder. What can you do? Is it a self-esteeme thing? What is all this stuff suppose to do for them? Replace the love they don't feel they are getting? Respect, sex. What is it that they are really seeking? I'd like to help for both of our sakes but haven't hit on anything that motivates them to change themselves and/or change their attachment to "their stuff". When you are the spouse of a hoarder. What can you do? Is it a self-esteeme thing?
What is all this stuff suppose to do for them?
Replace the love they don’t feel they are getting? Respect, sex. What is it that they are really seeking? I’d like to help for both of our sakes but haven’t hit on anything that motivates them to change themselves and/or change their attachment to “their stuff”.

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